Friday, May 13, 2011

Mind Dump 3- True Stories Bro

While fictional media like movies and comics have their plethora of dumb, dumb stories, often times I find myself pleased by the knowledge that sometimes the dumbest stories are the most true.

1. I hope there is not a whole lot of overlap between my audience and fans of country music artist Garth Brooks. However, if you’re not fond of Brook’s music, maybe his rock and roll alter ego Chris Gaines is more your speed. The character was created to freshen up Brook’s style and to star in an E! True Hollywood style movie. But that never happened so all we got was some weird album where Brooks took off his cowboy hat and grew weird, Criss Angel hair.

2. Then there’s Joaquin Phoenix. This story is more recent so I’ll spare the details, but after pretending to abandon acting for a rap career in order to make the painfully unfunny mockumentary I’m Still Here, Phoenix has apparently confused old casting directors to the point where they will no longer hire him for roles like the Hulk, who is now being played by Mark Ruffalo. Plus Casey Affleck, the documentary's director and Phoenix's brother in law, has like no money now. There’s something so ironic about literally wasting two years of your life pretending to throw away your career only for you to actually, accidentally throw away your career.

3. Continuing this identity confusion theme, anyone remember Gallagher? This unfunny Carrot Top (but not as buff) style prop comic who smashed watermelons for no reason years ago had a homeless brother who he let borrow his act to help support himself. But when audiences got confused due to the two Gallaghers running around, Gallagher One/I/Prime sued Gallagher Two/Too/II/Dos, alienated himself from his family and became an absolute lunatic.

"The Rice Krispies elves: "All three of those guys are gay. Look at 'em!"

Don’t these all sound like amazing movie premises?

While it may not have stories quite like these, is an awesome websites detailing tons of rumors and urban legends real and fake. For example, did you know that while there is no ghost boy in Three Men and a Baby, one of the girls in the James Bond movie For Your Eyes Only used to be man?

And to round this out, here’s a few, dumb and or cute, real stories from my life.

When I was little I thought a "poetic license" was a physical thing you had to actually go register for. Likewise, "elbow grease" was something I figured you picked up at a hardware store.

During Valentine’s Day my high school gives every girl a “heart” and if they talk to a boy he gets the “heart”. Guys would try to take their hearts either by force or tricks or just by being smooth, handsome and charismatic. Girls might give up their “hearts” to someone out of pity or save their “hearts” for their boyfriends. The guy who had snatched up the most “hearts” was the winner obviously. I failed to get my girlfriend’s heart not because she wanted to stay “pure” or something but because she truly did not understand the obvious sex metaphor. She just wanted to win the game. Poor thing. The more I think about it the more messed up it is.

Talking about E! just makes me mad I don’t have time to watch The Soup anymore. Maybe when I finally getting around to watching “Community”, Joel McHale will finally return to my life.


  1. My favourite post. these schmucks are ridiculous. I love that Joaquin Phoenix doesn't have a career anymore.

  2. Am I the only one really creeped out about the descent of Gallagher? That article was really, really freaky... But I agree that it would make an excellent movie.

    Great mind dump, bro. Sorry you couldn't win your girlfriend's heart. What kind of crazy game is that anyway? =P