Tuesday, April 26, 2011

A Toy that Eats Other Toys and Other Great Villains (MANY PRETTY PICTURES!)

After my first brush with controversy, (on this blog at least), I’m back with another comic post. Just one that’s less inflammatory. Also be sure to check out the new, more open comment system. Now anyone can call me an idiot for not liking Thor.

To me, one of the saddest and most absurd facts about our world is that Orson Welles’ last role was Unicron, the villain of the 1986 animated Transformers movie. Let me reiterate that. The man who made Citizen Kane, arguably the greatest movie ever, died three months after voicing a robot that turned into a planet or “a toy that eats other toys”.

Welles on Unicron, “You know what I did this morning? I played the voice of a toy. I play a planet. I menace somebody called Something-or-other. Then I'm destroyed. My plan to destroy Whoever-it-is is thwarted and I tear myself apart on the screen."

Now that’s commitment

Don’t be confused though. This isn’t going to be some sad reflection of Welles’ life and how unfortunate it was that somebody that talented was so jerked around by Hollywood politics. No, this is just going to be me talking about how my favorite fictional characters tend to large-scale supervillains who are ridiculous because of some random detail like who played them.

Only Unicron could make Transformers 3 worthwhile 

While your standard supervillains usually have some quirk that appeals to me, like someone named Sinestro starting off on the side of good or how Magneto is the greatest Jewish supervillain, we’re going to look at some more “out-there” antagonists.

1. Dr. Doom

While this one might sound like an ordinary choice, here are some things about Dr. Domm you may not have considered when judging his ridiculousness. His name is Victor von Doom first off. He was like raised by gypsies or something and most importantly, since he is the monarch of the fictional Eastern-European country of Latveria he has DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY otherwise known as the best, trolliest, supervillain power. So when they’re trying to arrest him or whatever he’ll just hop on over to the embassy and they can’t touch him.


Once he was George Turleton. Now he’s is a Mental Organism Designed only for Killing, not to be confused with Mental organism’s designed only for chaos, genocide, advanced maneuvers (those all exist too). He’s also a giant floating head with stubby little limbs, psychic powers and a nasally voice. The only way to make MODOK more perfect is for Patton Oswalt to play the live action version of him.

3. Galactus
Like Unicron, he eats planets. He’s giant, purple, has a tiki hat, has a daughter now for no reason and has silver people/ladies on fire that do his bidding. He’s a universal force and since we can’t comprehend him we see him in our own image. So I assume that if like a squirrel saw him he’d be a world-ending giant squirrel. I still need to confirm this. They made him a cloud in that one movie and people got mad. I can understand the anger but also I get why someone thought that putting this guy on screen might be going a tad too far.

He should fight DC’s Mogo, a Green Lantern that happens to be a living planet. How could he lose?

4. Darkseid/Thanos/Mongul
Here’s a ridiculous story. So Darkseid is this totally pimp, utterly badass, final boss of the DC universe and probably one of my favorite things overall, although I don’t really care about the New Genesis/Apokolips characters associated with him.

Thanos, on the other hand, is a Marvel character. He’s a cosmic warlord who was created after Darkseid and shares some suspicious similarities with him when it comes to looks and character details.

Finally there’s Mongul, a DC character who is quite similar to Thanos bringing the whole thing back full circle. Granted these similarities are most likely coincidental but the way in which they led to DC kind of ripping themselves off is absurd nonetheless.

Oddly enough, when DC and Marvel characters merged together in the Amalgam universe, Darkseid and Thanos became Thanoseid.

Also Wolverine and Batman became one thing too so there's that.

5. M. Bison

Moving onto the world of video games, there’s the Street Fighter main villain M. Bison. I could talk about the absurdity of M. Bison. He’s an homage to a character that’s basically Japanese Dracula. He transferred his goodness to his Italian daughter or something to get psycho power and rule Shadaloo. Raul (Gomez Addams) Julia’s final role was playing him in the Jean Claude Van Damme Street Fighter movie.

 He has no pupils.

But my favorite thing about Bison is his name. In Japan, M. Bison is called Vega, the character we call Vega is named Balrog and our Balrog is their M. Bison. The name is supposed to be a parody of Mike Tyson and it made sense back when it was the name of a black boxer. But they were afraid Tyson would get offended so when they brought the game to America they swapped around all the names. Now the M stands for meaningless nonsensical name. Great job.

6. Wesker
Another Capcom psychopath, Wesker’s on here basically for his shades, absurd bio-terrorism/zombie plots, evil Aryan appearance, wonderful voice and the voice actor’s enthusiasm for saying dumb stuff with said voice.

7. The Mishima family

Explaining this one would involve recalling the stories to the Tekken fighting games and no one has any business remembering those but it basically goes like this.

Dad throws son down volcano.
Son makes deal with devil.
Son throws dad down volcano and takes over company.
Dad comes back and re-throws son down volcano (?)
Son comes back, has his own son with the devil in him because he knocked up some girl.
More people being thrown into volcanoes by family members.
Dad has trained attack bear.
Somebody runs around the world.

And it basically goes on like that for about six games. Also, dad shows up in Soul Caliber 2 alongside Link and Spawn (I hate Todd McFarlane).

As long as video games, movies and comics keep having storylines as elaborate as they are stupid, this list will continue to grow. I’m probably forgetting some stuff too so maybe I’ll do another one of these. You want to mention your favorite/funniest supervillain? Comment below.

I was actually thinking about doing a recurring thing talking about the dumbest/funniest moments in comics like the Hulk’s family bush and that time Wolverine was Batman but then I thought even though I know about comics, I don’t actually read them like ever so writing about them that often would feel weird. Ah well, I’ll just keep them to myself and laugh on the inside. Or better yet, you could just talk to me in real life. Half the people reading this probably do that on a daily basis anyway.

And for some extra fun, here’s the inspiration for this post, some of Orson Welles’ finest moments.

AAAAaaaaahhhhh…the French

Btw, there's an obscure fact/spelling on here I got wrong on purpose and if you find it out great job. You have as a life as I do.


  1. You said since instead of sense?

  2. I can't exactly find the error in here, even though I don't have a life (although, I'm thinking maybe MODOC stands for Mental Organism Designed Only for Conquest/Computing). Either way, this is a cool post, bro. Villains are awesome in general; they just tend to have more interesting motivation than heroes. They also do stuff that people wouldn't expect. Like eating planets. Or throwing sons down volcanoes. Or destroying the world just because it LOOKS LIKE FUN.

  3. You are technically not wrong, the c has stood for chaos, conquest and computing depending on the media. So that's not the answer but you are on the right track

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