Game Reviews

Although I still won’t be reviewing video games on this particular site any time soon (which means I fortunately don’t have to try to make any sense of the latest Kingdom Hearts release) that doesn’t mean I can’t review other kinds of games. With the Olympics going on I’ve been thinking about Sports more often than usual. I then realized that reviewing them as if they were like any other game would be a really fun, fascinating, trollish thought experiment especially for someone like me how doesn’t understand or care about the vast majority of sports. So here you go.



Basketball- This is a pretty good one but its quick, back and forth nature really devalues the individual points and leaves the final few minutes of the game as the only part that seems to actually matter. 3 stars.

Tennis- It’s always nice to see more non-team sports because let’s be real, in life it’s all about the individual. What impresses me most about this sport is how its high level play, when both athletes are basically even on a physical level, comes down to pure mindgames. 3 stars.

Fencing- I did a few summers of fencing once. It’s pretty neat. It’s got swords. 3 stars. 

Football- This one has a very oddly paced design, full of confusing, constant starts and stops. Perhaps this is why it works so well with the commercial break format. In any case though, the depth of strategies is commendable and players bursting through a line is legitimately exciting to watch. 3 stars. 

Golf- It has an epic scope that evokes the “one man conquering nature” feeling that’s so beloved by its old, white, male fan base. However, the front half with its broad, big swings feels jarring next to its more precise, putting-filled endgame. Not the most graceful contrast. 3 stars.

still easier than running a game studio eh Curt?

Baseball- This sport has pacing issues similar to Football but with the added problem of only having a handful of people seemingly doing anything at any given time, further dragging out the experience. In the past this sport played the crucial role of “pastime for our beloved Fat-Americans” but between steroids and the rise of NASCAR that no longer looks to be the case. 3 stars.

Soccer- The beautiful game indeed. At first glance this one seems to have it all. It’s strategic and long but it moves at a nice speed each point matters. It values athleticism and the players always seem to be doing something significant or putting themselves in a position to do something significant soon. It’s a clean design that the whole world can apparently appreciate. However, aside from the dirt, maybe it’s too clean. It’s not boring necessarily but there is something oddly cold about the whole thing. Ironically enough, its icy sequel Hockey feels much more exciting. 3 stars.


Overall, Sports get


3 stars

I wanted to stick with the classics this time before delving into the scandalous worlds of laser target shooting and race walking. However, maybe next time I’ll look at some hot new stuff like Slamball or even... The Sportsball Bowl.





Rugby?